My lola passed away almost 3 weeks ago. It was sudden.
Well she”s been diagnosed with ischemia for close to 2 years now and experiences mild to severe chest pain almost everyday. Other than that i could say she was fine (obviously she really wasn’t because of her heart problem), but i guess if you take that, you could really say that she was pretty healthy. at 86, she could still do everything around the house.

Weeks before her heart attack i’ve been noticing that her chest pains were getting more frequent and that scared me. Since the family decided that surgery was not an option, maximum medication therapy was all we could count on. For a while it worked, but i guess the blocks in her heart were too many that all the medications given to her couldn’t suffice.

Then the morning came where i got that phone call from my mom saying that my lola was rushed to the E.R. and that i should come as soon as i can because she really can’t tell how long my lola’s heart can put up. It wasn’t long. I was sobbing on the phone and all i could hear my mom say was “i know..i know..”. On my way to the hospital i tried my best not to tear up but i couldn’t. That was my lola. There in the hospital bed.

Everyday i encounter patients on hospital beds, I give them what they need, try to make them feel as comfortable as anyone could confined in a hospital and pray for the best. Nothing prepared me this.

When i got to the hospital, i texted my cousin to pick me up at the lobby. When he got there, i asked him how our lola was and he couldn’t give me a straight up answer. I cried. again. Took me a couple of minutes to finally climb that one flight of stairs that led straight to the cardiovascular unit. My mom and daw was there, sitting outside her room. “mag bless ka na sa lola mo, ..sige na”. and so i went inside.

I usually handle myself pretty well when faced with a critically ill patient. Tubes, Respirators and heart monitors doesn’t really scare me. But this time, it did. It’s different when it’s your grandmother that’s critically ill. with tubes, respirators and heart monitors. When my mom called me that morning, she told me that my lola was now on an NGT (nasogastric tube), i guess she chose not to tell me that she’s intubated and was now breathing through the help of a machine. When i got to the room and saw her like that, i wasn’t able to handle it like i wanted. I wanted to be strong for her. To let her know and feel that everything was gonna be okay. I tried my hardest to stop crying and quickly went to her side kissed her and told her “o lola ako muna nurse mo ha” i wiped tears that formed in the outer corner of her eyes as she nodded.

I held her hand and kissed her whenever i can. She still has that sweet distinct smell which we all love. I wanted so much to hear her voice and to have her talk to me and tell her stories. just like how we’d talk when she’d wake me up in the middle of the night because of her chest pain, she likes to think that it helps to make it go away, i’d like to think that as well. The doctor came in that afternoon and told us thet lola was stable and that they’s slowly take off the respirator by morning. That gave us a sigh of relief but it didn’t last long. later that night her heartbeat slowed and she breathed her last.

When a grandmother dies, heaven welcomes an angel. I still long for her and i miss her terribly every single day. But the thought that she’ now free of pain gets me through.

I love you lola. everyday i think of you and i know you are watching over us. Please visit kuya nico in his dreams and remind him to not leave plates in his room and not wait for it to get moldy till he cleans it up. must i say that i fold my blanket and fix my pillows every day now :)